Tuesday, February 1, 2011

wacky by cracky!

warning: what is written below is me pouring out my heart, venting, & in a way, writing to heal. they are very personal thoughts and feelings of mine.  keep in mind that this blog is for me.  for me & my family to read back in years to come. i dont expect sympathy, im writing for me. and i also write this to maybe help others who go through the same things and feelings. i have read blogs that share things that have helped me cope with things in my life. so maybe this will touch someone to know, they are not alone.

remember how i said yesterday that i will just wing it, and usually those are the best days?
well yesterday was not one of those days. it was awful.... to say the least.

ive been feeling a little out of sorts recently. ok... not a little... a lot. you know that feeling you get when everything just seems to be crashing down on you like waves. wave after wave and you are about to go under and drown in the sea. yes? i have struggled with anxiety a lot. i struggle feeling inadequate, guilty, insecure, unmotivated, impatient, and down right disliking myself. why?....i have no clue!  i have so much to be grateful for. i have SO MUCH! 
on a side note... i think my meds are wonky and i dont think im taking the right meds for me.
did i just throw that out there???
yes.... i take medication for depression and anxiety.
it was really hard for me to get to the dr. i felt that they would just say, "well, you have 3 young children and a husband with crazy schedule and everything else that life throws at people", and  just send me on my way.
but, they sat down with me and asked me questions and believed me that something wasnt right and that something could be done. when i left the office i felt a sigh of relief, a burden lifted off my shoulders.
my family didnt have to suffer my crab face anymore. i could be "normal" again.
anyway... i could go on and on about this subject and about my story.
so, lets talk.
ask questions.
share stories.


Lindsey said...

Hey Jess, you could pull of anything vintage, I alway turn to your blog for inspiration.....I was contemplately commenting on your post because I was a little nervous but I just want you to know that I am right there with you. I have moments where I think everything is going fine and then crash out of nowhere it seems like my whole world is crumbling....I too struggle with not feeling like I do enough or get enough done or I feel guilty if I spend too much at the grocery store, if I miss reading with my kids at night, paying my bills on time, waking up early enough so I don't rush my kids out in the morning. But somehow everything gets better and there are moments that make it all worth it. Just know that you are not alone :)

Anonymous said...

I'm a lot like you. I have so very much to be proud of and thankful for. Since that is all true, why do I feel so bad? I was/am so embarrassed to admit I felt defeated. That I couldn't manage to make myself feel happy. Everyone else in my life was happy, why couldn't it be me? Why was my husband ok? He was working, coming home cleaning, cooking, tending. Him doing all of that made me feel even worse. Feelings of inadequacy started seeping in. I was falling fast. I finally went in to the doctor desperate for help. It's been a year now and my head is finally out of the clouds and it feels really good. Please go back and make them adjust it. You deserve to feel better.

Chels said...

me too.
we are soul sisters.
yesterday was hard for me too. i cant even really say specifically what it was, just everything. like you said, it crashes all over you all of a sudden. it's all the little things that compile to be too much to bear. I feel like i'm never doing enough. like i'm never really playing enough with my kids, working with them on homework, or making the best dinners. sometimes i feel guilty when i get on my computer, or sit in front of the tv. i cant even tell you how "shut down" i am by bed time. it's exhausting to be me. or at least that's how i tend to feel, and that's so silly cause i know ive got it good, i really do.... i'm so blessed by my Heavenly Father, how could i possibly feel this way? then i realize, it's time to hit my knees, or whisper a prayer. and though it wont fix me, sometimes it makes me feel like i've got someone to hold my hand.
its terrible to me that moms everywhere dont share. we all have "days". and come on, we all need to stop trying to hold up this image of perfection that is unattainable and fake. it's so hard for me to workout, and when i see my skinny mini friends, i feel like ive failed cause i missed that. and that i feel sometimes i look around and see all the fun things people are doing, and documenting, and i think, oh my, i'm so behind & i need to take my kids to do something fun. then i freak again. when the reality is, we all have our sacrifices, the things we let fall to the wayside as we choose what we can accomplish today, and what has to wait, and somethings that just dont get done.
i appreciate your honesty. and i love that we can all come together and {say it with me} breathe... again... breathe....
and then, I go to Him.

Julz said...

I have this friend, She is amazing! let me tell you about her. She saved me my freshmen year from lonesomeness, she is overly talented and funny, she is my confidant. She has the most amazing eyes and can put Jergens lotion right on her face because she has perfect skin. She has a laugh and smile that can make all your aches and pains go away in an instant. She remembers details about people that even themselves tend to forget but that just goes to show how well she listen's. She makes the most beautiful babies and raises them like a daughter of god should.She never takes anything for granted not even the sound of a bird or the way the wind runs through the leaves of a tree. She will laugh with you till you cry or cry with you till you laugh.She has amazing taste in every thing from fashion to music. She Gives and Shares all of her love and talent daily with out expecting anything in return. She's not judgmental, prude or prideful she is an angel in the flesh amongst all of us mortals. She is my partner in crime my go to girl my counselor my inspiration, I admire her! and not a day go's by that I don't think of her or wonder how she is or what great and wonderful thing she is doing wither it be something simple as watching a show in her pj's snuggled up with her kids in the middle of the day or taking them to a children's museum and letting there little minds soar. Oh this friend is everything to me YOU are everything to me! and I thank my heavenly father every day for you because you are a blessing to me. I know this friendship will grow and keep growing each and every day. Thank you friend, thank you for 11 years of the best friendship I could have ever asked for. Through thick and thin just remember the sun will always come shining through as long as you look for it. It may take a while and even when your patience is almost gone those clouds will move and separate and the warm beams of the sun will shine down on you and warm your heart. Remember Look for those "Good Moments" on those "Good Days" and throw those bad one down the drain. I love you Hess and I am right there with you not only standing by you but holding your hand. xoxox

Beth said...

I think you are brave and lovely and kind and beautiful. I hope that you work things out, but I also know that there will always be hard days- I have hard days that is for sure. As long as the good days greatly outnumber the hard ones I am okay. The hard days are rough- When I don't know how I am possibly going to catch up and I feel guilty for not having enough time to spend with my children one on one and nothing seems to be getting done and I can't get a single coherent thought to run through my brain without a child interrupting it with something like MAMA COME WIPE MY BUM! (that actually happened today) and luckily my mom was here and we just looked at each other and she knew just how I was feeling and we laughed. We cannot do it all and I have to remember that when I am feeling inadequate. THe best thing I can do is my best. You are doing wonderful- your kids are sweet and happy, you are talented and kind. This comment probably makes little sense but I hope you know that I love you lots and hope you have a better day. xoxoxoxxo

Laura said...

I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time, I had no idea. Your right, your life seems wonderful, but that doesnt mean that you dont have struggles. I think we all have times like this, the important thing is that you are getting some help. I hope you find the right med for you. Some things that have helped me before- taking lots of time for myself, doing some things that make me happy (whatever that may be) and having fresh flowers or plants around and good healthy food. Those are all great mood boosters for me.

Hang in there, you are one of the happiest people I know! :)

Geoffrey and Ellee Pettit said...

It is always nice to see people being so honest. I too am on meds for depression. I'm on zoloft, after havind depression for 3 years and not doing anything about it and putting my family, especially my kids through hell, and on top of it having twins, I finally talked to my dr. about it. I praise you for your courage to seek help and talk about it. You're not alone. thank you for sharing.

Ryan and Chelsea said...

Jessica!! I have BEEN there, girl! If you ever one to talk to a person who really went crazy, Call me! I've been through it all and I am living proof that you can get through it. I know it is hard, but you can do it! Seriously, call me. I'd love to talk to you about it.

Love ya!

Lexi said...

Jess, I am mostly content with living away from family, but there are some times where I just wish with all my heart we were near the ones we love. This is one of those times. Your thoughts, feelings, and struggles echo my own in so many ways that I wish we were together to share one another's burden. I have gone through times in my life where life has been bad and I have suffered, but this is one of the worst for me right now. My VERY VERY VERY fav song is In the Meantime by Jenny Jordan. I looked everywhere for a clip of it for you, but its on the Women of Destiny Vol 2. I wish I could find a favorite part of it for you, btu I couldn't so here is the whole thing lol

In her heart she holds the dreams
That she’s carried since the day she turned thirteen
Of all that she would be when she was grown
Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own
She dreamed she’d fly
And she’s still waiting for the chance to try

But in the meantime she’s a mother and a daughter and a wife
Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind
She wonders when she’ll ever have more meaning in her life
She doesn’t know she’s being molded and refined
In the meantime

Someday she’ll go back to school
When the carpools and the soccer games are through
Cause deep inside she’s still the girl
Who’s always felt the fire to make a difference in the world
She dreams she’ll soar
When she finally has the time to do more

But in the meantime she’s a sister and a teacher and a friend
Hours turn into days that turn to years that never end
She wonders when she’ll ever really find herself again
But she’s becoming one on whom God can depend
In the meantime

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life
and heaven hears her heart before she cries
Somewhere in the middle of the triumphs and the trials
She’s becoming sanctified

But in the meantime she’s an answer and a blessing and a gift
To every empty, aching heart that only she can lift
She still wonders if she’ll ever get to see where heaven is

If she could only see her mansions waiting there

If she could only feel how much her Father cares

She would know she’s being perfectly prepared

In the meantime

Love you

Natalie said...

I just have one thing to say:
If you are feeling guilty or inadequate about Primary, STOP IT! You are amazing!
And I love you!
(So that was two things!) :)
Hope things are looking brighter dear!

Tatum said...

Oh Jess! Depression is something that so many people don't understand. You know I am right there with you. I have such a beautiful life with so many amazing blessing and some days I am just sucked in by self inflicted misery with no cause. You can get through it, I can get through it, and the better people we will be. I love you girl!!!